luni, 28 aprilie 2014

Can sex be an addiction?

A reader's thoughts

"From my first sexual experience, I knew there was something I was missing.

I lost my virginity at the tender age of 15. I was an innocent (ish) girl, 5”9, a size 12, 34DD breast cup but lacking confidence. I spent years of being bullied in school, being told I was ugly, fat, you know the usual taunts that kids are great at throwing towards the vulnerable. But I believed them, I believed I wasn’t anything special, that I’d never met a guy.

But how wrong was I?

My first real boyfriend was 18yrs old, he was in the army but he thought I was 16. He guessed my age, I just didn’t correct him. We were dating for 3 months before our sexual adventure began. I was thinking mood setting music, candles, soft pillows, time slowing down…..what I actually got was a Thames river view from the back of a sea cadet unit that wasn’t in use, with 95.8 FM playing on the radio, whilst he laid on top of me in the front of his Fiat Uno. Not romantic, not a great time and I cried, I held back the tears so he couldn’t see but I felt deflated.

He went back to camp and I saw him again, 2 weeks later, it was my 16th birthday, he thought it was my 17th, so you could gather the shock he was in when he turned up at my party! We argued a lot, I stormed off to my bedroom, he followed. A lot more arguing but the music drowned us out, tension was high and we were yelling in each others faces. All of a sudden I grabbed his head and kissed him with urgency, I needed to feel him, I needed to be with him, I didn’t just want, I had to have, I needed to have. I pushed him against the wall and he lifted me up, wrapping my legs around his waist, my short dress hitched up around my waist, my panties slipped to one side and we were fucking, not ‘making love’ but raw hide ‘yeeeeehaaaaa ‘ride em cowboy‘ style! It was amazing, the look on his face told me he felt the same.

We cleaned ourselves up and returned to the party.

Unfortunately, sex with him was to be something that ended an argument, with the same urgency feelings. We parted ways about 7 months later.

It wasn’t long until I met Mr S, he knew I was 16, I was working full time by now. He was a blind date that mutual friends set us up on. Halfway through the evening, all I could think about was him bending me over the restaurant bar and fucking me 7 ways til Sunday. It was a weird feeling, everything else zoomed out and all I could think about was this pure adulterated sex!
Mr. S made his excuses and left to visit the little man’s room, I took my chance! I went to the ladies room but diverted and followed him in. It was a posh restaurant, the bathroom was like a mini beauty room, 1 toilet, a bidet, a dressing style table with various aftershaves on it. As Mr. S went to close the door, I pushed my way in, he went to ask what I was doing but I stopped him. Locking the door, I walked towards him, unzipped his trousers, sat him down on the single chair and again, pushed my panties to one side. My mind was blank but it scratched an itch. We cleaned up and carried on with dinner.

I left the bathroom feeling disappointed in myself but yet I was fulfilled.

Sex with Mr S was great, he introduced me to masturbation, mutual masturbation, all the usual sexual positions and what not. But something was missing, sex just wasn’t fulfilling when it was as a couple and ‘normal’.

When I was 17, I joined the armed forces. I had fallen for Mr. S but having an independence for myself, brought in new experiences.

One night, I had had a big barmy with Mr. S, I slammed the phone down and stormed out. I headed to the bar on base, I was fuming. There was the weekly disco on, so the majority of the camp was in the bar drinking. I flung open the doors and the first guy who caught my attention, I made a bee-line for. The poor guy didn’t have a clue what was happening but I grabbed his hand and led him out the back into the beer garden and around the back of the bar/shop are, into a covered space. Every time he went to speak, I kissed him, he got the memo of what was happening and happily obliged. It lasted nothing more than 10 minutes and when we finished, he said thanks and walked off. But I stood there, full of remorse, regret for what I had done. I loved Mr. S but the sex I had just had in that moment, fulfilled my niche.

I left the bar and went back to my room, thought I could sleep it off but I couldn’t. I ended up masturbating until I couldn’t orgasm any-more, until I fell asleep.

I felt guilt on a major level but every time that guilt crept in, I went out, grabbed the nearest guy that looked like he would fuck me and I cracked on. I had no hesitation, I forgot about STD’s, falling pregnant never hit my radar.

Mr. S and I didn’t last long, I had to let that relationship go, I couldn’t trust myself.
So, for the following 2 years, I used sex as a barrier, as something to erase the pain I was feeling of being annoyed, being upset, any over powering emotion. I slept with approx. 13-16 men a month, some times it was with the same guy until I got bored but more or less it was always with a new man.

When I was 20, I clicked that something wasn’t right with me. When I wasn’t having sex, I was depressed, felt terrible, like a bad hangover. When I was having sex, I was on top of the world but it was my weapon and a pain barrier.

So after a healthy 2 hour discussion with the GP, I was referred to a Psychiatrist. After filling many questionnaires out, speaking to the assigned doctor and an assortment of other things, I was diagnosed with having a Compulsive Sexual Behavior Issue. Upon hearing that, a wave of relief flooded over my whole body. It was me crying out for help, a way I dealt with emotional feelings. Some people have a drink, others take it out on exercise, I used sex.

I found my CBT (cognitive behavior therapies) to be helpful but there was still a twinge of needing to fuck that strange man, passing me by. It was a long shot but I was put on a course of serotonin, which dulled down my anxiety levels and I was then able to deal with the full issue.

There are 2 types of CSD, Paraphilic and Non Paraphilic compulsive sexual behavior. I was diagnosed under the Non parahilic kind.

My feelings at the start would be intense, a need to rid myself of the emotional wave I was going through at any given time. I had no care for others around me, I would approach a man and lead him away. This was much easier to do in an evening, walk into the nearest bar/club, any guy was pretty much willing. This is why I had to end my relationship with Mr. S, I loved him with every beat of my heart but I couldn’t control my mood swings towards sex. I could be on the phone to him, get emotional because I missed him and at the end of that telephone conversation, I walked out, any logic I had switched off and I became a Lioness on the prowl for her next meal.

I tried to stop but it was like an innate switch flicked on and I was gone.

I would spend that night feeling sad, regretted it, dirty but I would masturbate to rid those feelings but it would make me feel worse.

It wasn’t until I gained the help of the relevant Dr’s and was put on the right path, that I could over come this inner monster.

It’s been 8 years since I was diagnosed as a sex addict and I am fine with it. It’s under control, although I do have the odd moment when I just want sex and I don’t care who it is with but I have a ‘dial-a-buddy’ for those moments and he is more than willing to allow me to use him!

If I’m honest, I do get the inclination to forget myself and get lost in sex but I control who I am and I enjoy it for what it is………………….A desire to want and not need. Yes, an addiction is there for life, that I know and there maybe pitfalls along the road but I know why I became that way, I know how to spot the symptoms and I know how to stop myself.

Hello, I’m Mrs JoJo and I’m a sex addict."

Sexsomnia and Me

My name is Karen and I'm a sexsomniac

For years I have suffered from various parasomnia sleep disorders such as sleep walking, sleep talking, eating, cooking and even smoking during my sleep, These rarely affect my daily life although I have had some really close calls

The one parasomnia disorder that is hardest to live with is my sexsomnia, sexsomnia is rarely spoken about and is often misunderstood it is a condition where the sufferer preforms sexual acts to themselves or others while in a state of NREM sleep. During an episode the sufferer will have no memory what so ever of preforming such acts and are often hard to wake which can make them hard to stop which has ultimately led to many cases going to court under possible rape charges
The proposed medical diagnosis is NREM Arousal Parasomnia – Sexual Behaviour in Sleep but this is not a term you will hear often sexsomnia as well as other parasomnia are often triggered by stress, illness, sleep deprivation and even pregnancy and although medication can be given it is rarely effective and can cause insomnia which can highten the parasomnia anyway so the only real choice I personally have is to live with it the best I can.

There are many forms of sexsomia from mild self-stimulation to full non-consensual sex acts. Many people often find amusement in hearing I perform sex acts to myself and to my partner during my unconscious state but the hash truth of the matter is it is truly upsetting for the sufferer, ever since I was a child I have always needed to stay in control of my life so to have that control cruelly taken from me without my consent is the most horrific thing that could ever happen.

Over the years I have had men come on to me just because they have heard about my condition, thinking it would be funny to video my episodes without my knowledge and share them with their friend like it is some big joke, but even in stable relationships being a sexsomniac can rock even the most solid of foundations. Over the last month or so I have had some very traumatic life issues to deal with, my mum was rushed into hospital with meningitis and we nearly lost her more than once which only added to the stress I was under as a result my parasomnia escalated to the point where every night for over two weeks I was “actively” sleeping this in turn causes friction between my husband as for a large portion of every night he was having to run round after my sleeping self, to clear up after me and try to distract me from preforming various sex acts on him. Then come morning he was tiered and resentful. As much as I know he loves me and after 11 years together he has learned how best to deal with me during an episode it is still hard for him to cope with such lack of sleep and we often end up fighting because of it

One of my worries has always been a lack of consent on my husband’s part, although he has always joked a man is just a walking talking consenting penis I have to disagree although we have an extremely active sex life there are still the odd time where one of us just isn’t in the mood, and if during a parasomnia episode I was to actively try to engage in sex acts with my husband on one of these days I would not have his full consent would I?

My main worry though comes from being a mother, my young son has already developed some parasomnia disorders and although he is far too young to show any signs of sexsomnia it continues to be a constant cause for concern as the stigma surrounding sexsomnia is portrayed in a much blacker way when it is a man that surfer’s from it and I can’t help but feel guilty for releasing this nightmare on my son

I would hope very much that over the coming year does society as a whole gains a greater understand and that my son will not have to suffer the same indignity from the ignorant hands of others as I have sexsomnia is not a joke and has ruined the lives of many sufferers and of those of their loving partners.

joi, 10 aprilie 2014

Can relationships that stem from an affair last?



Does the way that you meet your partner matter?

People choose to start their relationships in many different ways. You could meet someone at a coffee shop, at your job, a bar, or through a friend. Does the way that your relationship starts mean anything at all? Most people believe that it doesn’t, but what if your relationship started from an affair? Does this change anything? Can relationships that stemmed from affairs truly last?

What Statistics State

Statistically, relationships that start this way will generally not work out in the end. In fact, a lot of second marriages have a higher chance of failing than first marriages. Marriages that follow after the second marriage, will have even higher failure rates than your second one. Does this mean that anything after your first marriage will end terribly; Not exactly.

Just because statistics state that your marriage will not last, this does not mean you have to give up on it, or that regardless of what you do your marriage is going to fail miserably. Relationships are complex; they do not just revolve around where or how you met the person that you have chosen to be with. There are a lot of relationships that have rocky starts that in the end, work out into a healthy and happy relationship.

But, since the relationship that you are in did start because of an affair, there are going to be some trust issues between you and your new partner. Generally these feelings are more severe because the relationship that you are presently in is because of the result of your unfaithfulness.

Straight From My Mouth

I am a strong believer that relationships that start as affairs can last. In fact, my current marriage started this way. I was already married and so was my current husband. We met each other through his wife actually. We all hung out and our friendship slowly started into something that was a little bit more serious than the two of us had wanted. We stayed away from each other for a little while, because I did not believe that what I was doing to him was right.

He was with his wife for nine years prior to meeting me. He was ten years older than me and I felt like maybe the reason why he was attracted to me was because of my immature age. Staying away from each other really didn’t do us that much justice. He pursued me more and more due to the fact that I tried to back away from the entire ordeal.

We ended up ending our previous relationships and decided to give our relationship, which stemmed from an affair a chance. I have been married to my current husband for almost four years, but we have been together for seven. I feel that we do still have some trust issues amongst us because of the way that our relationship started, but we have managed to work past those problems and are still together today.

Do you believe that a relationship can last even if it was started from an affair? Or do you believe what statistics state that every relationship that starts from an affair is doomed?