A reader's thoughts
"From my first sexual experience, I knew there was something I was missing.
I lost my virginity at the tender age of 15. I was an innocent (ish)
girl, 5”9, a size 12, 34DD breast cup but lacking confidence. I spent
years of being bullied in school, being told I was ugly, fat, you know
the usual taunts that kids are great at throwing towards the vulnerable.
But I believed them, I believed I wasn’t anything special, that I’d
never met a guy.
But how wrong was I?
My first real boyfriend was 18yrs old, he was in the army but he
thought I was 16. He guessed my age, I just didn’t correct him. We were
dating for 3 months before our sexual adventure began. I was thinking
mood setting music, candles, soft pillows, time slowing down…..what I
actually got was a Thames river view from the back of a sea cadet unit
that wasn’t in use, with 95.8 FM playing on the radio, whilst he laid on
top of me in the front of his Fiat Uno. Not romantic, not a great time
and I cried, I held back the tears so he couldn’t see but I felt
deflated.
He went back to camp and I saw him again, 2 weeks later, it was my
16th birthday, he thought it was my 17th, so you could gather the shock
he was in when he turned up at my party! We argued a lot, I stormed off
to my bedroom, he followed. A lot more arguing but the music drowned us
out, tension was high and we were yelling in each others faces. All of a
sudden I grabbed his head and kissed him with urgency, I needed to feel
him, I needed to be with him, I didn’t just want, I had to have, I
needed to have. I pushed him against the wall and he lifted me up,
wrapping my legs around his waist, my short dress hitched up around my
waist, my panties slipped to one side and we were fucking, not ‘making
love’ but raw hide ‘yeeeeehaaaaa ‘ride em cowboy‘ style! It was amazing,
the look on his face told me he felt the same.
We cleaned ourselves up and returned to the party.
Unfortunately, sex with him was to be something that ended an
argument, with the same urgency feelings. We parted ways about 7 months
later.
It wasn’t long until I met Mr S, he knew I was 16, I was working full
time by now. He was a blind date that mutual friends set us up on.
Halfway through the evening, all I could think about was him bending me
over the restaurant bar and fucking me 7 ways til Sunday. It was a weird
feeling, everything else zoomed out and all I could think about was
this pure adulterated sex!
Mr. S made his excuses and left to visit the little man’s room, I
took my chance! I went to the ladies room but diverted and followed him
in. It was a posh restaurant, the bathroom was like a mini beauty room, 1
toilet, a bidet, a dressing style table with various aftershaves on it.
As Mr. S went to close the door, I pushed my way in, he went to ask
what I was doing but I stopped him. Locking the door, I walked towards
him, unzipped his trousers, sat him down on the single chair and again,
pushed my panties to one side. My mind was blank but it scratched an
itch. We cleaned up and carried on with dinner.
I left the bathroom feeling disappointed in myself but yet I was fulfilled.
Sex with Mr S was great,
he introduced me to masturbation, mutual
masturbation, all the usual sexual positions and what not. But something
was missing, sex just wasn’t fulfilling when it was as a couple and
‘normal’.
When I was 17, I joined the armed forces. I had fallen for Mr. S but
having an independence for myself, brought in new experiences.
One night, I had had a big barmy with Mr. S, I slammed the phone down
and stormed out. I headed to the bar on base, I was fuming. There was
the weekly disco on, so the majority of the camp was in the bar
drinking. I flung open the doors and the first guy who caught my
attention, I made a bee-line for. The poor guy didn’t have a clue what
was happening but I grabbed his hand and led him out the back into the
beer garden and around the back of the bar/shop are, into a covered
space. Every time he went to speak, I kissed him, he got the memo of
what was happening and happily obliged. It lasted nothing more than 10
minutes and when we finished, he said thanks and walked off. But I stood
there, full of remorse, regret for what I had done. I loved Mr. S but
the sex I had just had in that moment, fulfilled my niche.
I left the bar and went back to my room, thought I could sleep it off
but I couldn’t. I ended up masturbating until I couldn’t orgasm
any-more, until I fell asleep.
I felt guilt on a major level but every time that guilt crept in, I
went out, grabbed the nearest guy that looked like he would fuck me and I
cracked on. I had no hesitation, I forgot about STD’s, falling pregnant
never hit my radar.
Mr. S and I didn’t last long,
I had to let that relationship go, I couldn’t trust myself.
So, for the following 2 years, I used sex as a barrier, as something
to erase the pain I was feeling of being annoyed, being upset, any over
powering emotion. I slept with approx. 13-16 men a month, some times it
was with the same guy until I got bored but more or less it was always
with a new man.
When I was 20, I clicked that something wasn’t right with me. When I
wasn’t having sex, I was depressed, felt terrible, like a bad hangover.
When I was having sex, I was on top of the world but it was my weapon
and a pain barrier.
So after a healthy 2 hour discussion with the GP, I was referred to a
Psychiatrist. After filling many questionnaires out, speaking to the
assigned doctor and an assortment of other things, I was diagnosed with
having a Compulsive Sexual Behavior Issue. Upon hearing that, a wave of
relief flooded over my whole body. It was me crying out for help, a way I
dealt with emotional feelings. Some people have a drink, others take it
out on exercise, I used sex.
I found my CBT (cognitive behavior therapies) to be helpful but there
was still a twinge of needing to fuck that strange man, passing me by.
It was a long shot but I was put on a course of serotonin, which dulled
down my anxiety levels and I was then able to deal with the full issue.
There are 2 types of CSD, Paraphilic and Non Paraphilic compulsive
sexual behavior. I was diagnosed under the Non parahilic kind.
My feelings at the start would be intense, a need to rid myself of
the emotional wave I was going through at any given time. I had no care
for others around me, I would approach a man and lead him away. This was
much easier to do in an evening, walk into the nearest bar/club, any
guy was pretty much willing. This is why I had to end my relationship
with Mr. S, I loved him with every beat of my heart but I couldn’t
control my mood swings towards sex. I could be on the phone to him, get
emotional because I missed him and at the end of that telephone
conversation, I walked out, any logic I had switched off and I became a
Lioness on the prowl for her next meal.
I tried to stop but it was like an innate switch flicked on and I was gone.
I would spend that night feeling sad, regretted it, dirty but I would
masturbate to rid those feelings but it would make me feel worse.
It wasn’t until I gained the help of the relevant Dr’s and was put on the right path, that I could over come this inner monster.
It’s been 8 years since
I was diagnosed as a sex addict and I am fine
with it. It’s under control, although I do have the odd moment when I
just want sex and I don’t care who it is with but I have a
‘dial-a-buddy’ for those moments and he is more than willing to allow me
to use him!
If I’m honest, I do get the inclination to forget myself and get lost
in sex but I control who I am and I enjoy it for what it is………………….A
desire to want and not need. Yes, an addiction is there for life, that I
know and there maybe pitfalls along the road but I know why I became
that way, I know how to spot the symptoms and I know how to stop myself.
Hello, I’m Mrs JoJo and I’m a sex addict."
